ive been scratching myself like a mad monkey. grrr.

anyway i felt the urge to blog after what today small incidents and got me reflecting on.
firstly was reading my boss’s blog, weird, i know.
i chanced upon it while i was at the counter, which i ended up snooping so i can know the address so i can read it in comfort of my laptop. KPO.
honestly, she is the most, i say, gracious boss ever. though i worked in that office that was simple with no complications, just one thing. my mother.
well, she is forgiving, forgetful(good at some point of time) and shes a girl almost my age.
we talk like how i talk to everyone else, no in i respect you boss way.
shes more of a friend, only after reading her blog, i wish i could be more of a friend to her.
but i guess her previous incidents has proven a few things hence shes keeping the distance.
yeh i know, many friends = not good and im the one here who wants to make friends with my boss. ew.
im such a pain in the ass. everyone else agrees.

today i met my beau after my hard day work keeping the animals alive.
so i did what i always did, have my sunshine smile when i first see him and first to hug/smell and kiss him.
what delights it brings really. always the small littlest treasure you find.
so we were walking, and i was hugging and snuggling up to him.
he said, wow, you really missed me.
then thats when it finally hit me after all these time of months i realized its hard to not have him around.
i always think breaking up is hard to do at first but it will become easy in matters of time. the hurt will heal, the pain will fade.
it only the stupid form of me now suddenly is enlightened how i cant live without him, meeting him or even hearing his voice in every hour of my life.
sighs only to finally admit it that i really do love him. alot. (ive always found myself embarrassing to say all these mushy stuff out, but im not really that afraid of it anymore)

im still weeping at the thought on how he has to go through army and me there waiting for the weekends to come. i am so dumped. i hate that. i use to yearn for that freedom but now all i want is to inhabitant with him in the same house where every morning i wake up to him, in his arm. sleeping in his scent. thats all i want.

i always think of how nice it would be for me to experience more things in life before settling down. i am considered settling down because i dont want anyone else, i want my bf to be with my all the time. and i dont do crazy things like going clubbing incentively , or smoke, or do drugs. cause i got a boyfriend that keeps me grounded. like how a good girl should be. but the problem is, he has already done all of that and i havent experienced any.
is it all worth it?

and theres yy keep getting me to send ml off.
part of me wants to but part of me thinks im gonna be excessive.
comeon i havent met her since we left sec school, all we left were postcards and the dried petals of the rose she gave me for valentine’s. shes so sweet, she gave me my first rose. not eugene.
i always think its good to embrace your past than be embarrassed of it. still i am embarrassed. i can never take myself to embrace everything i have done.

having too many friends is a hassle. being a social butterfly, people deem you as disgusting, ungraceful and suck up. but i do miss my old friends, those friends that i have for that period of time but they just disappear from your life when you move on. i miss my friends from banana republic. they were the ones that kept me alive in that job. but its sad for me to see them leave one by one and left me alone standing in that pathetic torturous place(its not as bad as it sounds)

i want to meet up with them, catch up with them. but i have no time. i rather leave it for those that are more valuable. and for those that i really care about <3

what a heart felt talk i had with myself.

im sad and a sob story, its times like this before i long to have. but now i have it, i want the other. we can never get the best of both worlds can we. i need oxygen.

I watched this on hallmark and found it the most beautiful thing ever.
Not the movie itself but the bond between mother and child.
I know how sappy all this sounds, get an abortion, put him up for adoption.
You have your own life to lead, but how about his?

I’m currently 18 going 19.
I am not ready, i dont think i’ll ever be ready.
Before even reaching that stage, i really have to honestly ask myself whether i am ready to give all this up.
Once you said you would do anything, go to school this way still.
But imagination always pictures it better, our better lives are in our minds.
Im definitely not reaching there, or even have to put my foot in it.
Though half of my foot is in it already.

There are people out there, dying for to have a child on their own.
And kids these days just harvest them like some corn field.
They deem it as bad seed and get rid of them straightaway, it’s very sad.

Once i was a kid, i watched on hallmark, She’s too young.
I will kill to watch that show again, that will remind us how our innocence plays an important part to our lives.
I would really kill to have that innocence back.
Those adolescent days when everyone cant blame you cause you are just too young.

I’m a sap story, i cried ):

It almost feels like a dream to finally running away to somewhere else but here in Singapore.
Although i feel the awful guiltiness of lying to my mum about the entire trip, well not exactly lies. She just don’t know E is going to be there. White lies goes a long way right?

So this is my virgin trip overseas, and im so thrilled that i couldn’t sleep yesterday even after 2 episodes of uglybetty. I rolled in bed, thinking about the pro and cons of going.
I know when i come back i have many things to do, ie get ready for school, save more money (the trip ripped me off) and be nice to my mother.
Many people say my mum is crazyasswhorebitch, well i said that. But she’s is nice when she is nice. She’s getting me my iphone and things between us has got so much better dont want to ruin anything.
If anything happens on this trip to me, i will feel even more guilty that she has to blame herself for letting me go. To her, i’m always her little girl and i’m not suppose to grow up.
I’m 18 and i still have a curfew, which i dont mind and abide by now.

Sighs so much in my head, so much to say, cant pen them down.
It’s weird writing here again, it feels like my lost days are written here.

I can’t wait to board that bus and reach that beautiful island and be greeted by new found freedom. YUM.

Thats the first thing i saw when i stepped into wordpress again after a long long time.
it’s funny how words can express whatever you have to say, to do.
words convey messages, words gives you instructions, words can hurt your feeling, words can relieve you of the burden you are carrying inside.
No, i don’t come here for comfort in writing, i’m currently living a really happy life, i have everything i need, except the money of my own. to shop. to dine at expensive places at my own expenses. to flatter my friends with extensive gifts ( i would love to do that so much ) and do things like those rich people do on gg.

Reena turned 19 today. as of 3 hours ago.
Time really past by like. this. next thing we know we are celebrating our 21.
19. Can you believe you were once 16.
I bought you a crystal thingy for your birthday in sec 1 reena, remember?
I don’t think you kept it, hahahah.
As much as i would love to live in the moment of laughter, tears ( not much of it ), the bitching, the L4D, the boyfriend gatherings, the water sprinkler fights, the wrestling under the starts, the bimbotic moments, those moments capture happily on film.
Reality has to kick in and make me realize that is highly impossible, you only can return it to smile at it, instead of re-living again. You would say look forward to the future! No point looking back.
Yet, i feel the need to return to when i was 16. and just stay there.
Wait, no 18. At least i’m legal, I don’t have to be sneaking around.
Soon we will be married, pregnant, kids running around the house and you’ll be old and dying.
Soon, bills of the water you use, the electricity you use, those that you think of nothing to pay for now. It will be your turn.

Fuck this world, stop turning so fast.
My time is ending soon. Soon.

Happy Birthday Baby Reena!
You’ll always be a baby in my heart, actually in our all of our hearts.
Lovelovelove, happy birthday babbyy!

this was suppose to be in the title : <ˆ> <ˆ>

those were suppose to look like stars, looked better in my imagination. haha.
i finally got yuanying on skype, now is reena. so i can officially quit adium so it would help emma.

well these few days might have been rough, but i am all better now.
relationships are all up and down isn’t it, its just about how you go about dealing with it.
not saying i’m doing a great job, but i am still learning am i.

if you girls are asking, i am happy.
overall i am still happy, just a little sore and hurt about everything. but dont we always feel a little lost here and there.

i’m just glad i can see the effort in him to make everything up.
and still secretly hoping and praying hard enough that  i didn’t make another mistake, cause another heartache might be the end of everything. wait, it would be.

i’m just wonder how my heart or just my personality can be so magnanimous to endure everything that was thrown at me.
and i still can feel the blissfulness of it. i guess its “love”.
it’s pretty hard in admitting you love something. cause once you do, it’s like an entire lifetime of devotion and committment to it. cause once you lose the energy to it, you would soon lose the love and just feel pretty much empty later on.

i had the choice of just torturing him just to get back at what he did. which was sinful, but not that sinful till he deserves that. see. this is me. i’m too soft-hearted.
many thoughts really ran in my head. what will happen when its really over over. will i find another or will i just rot and keep contemplating on what could have been if i never …

but life is all about taking chances and risks.
it’s never easy to step into something unknown.
but never let fear stop you, once it does. you’ll feel paranoid and you’ll start to feel insecure. and that will tangle everything together into a dead knot which you are dying to untie but just cant.

i think i’ve probably matured ( can i say so ? ) and maybe. ahaha. change i guess.
more emotional. i’ve never really felt heartaches in my life till now. i mean before, i did. i meant this relationship. lol.
but now i think i can think better in this aspect. and deal with things in life the same as i am dealing with this.

all good and bad i guess (:
but honestly, no regrets.

i’ll just end off with this. though boys are trouble, they are the only ones that makes you feel whole as a person.

im gonna sit here and just continue to wait, to watch what’s going to happen.
You girls are going to be here for me right. ♥

One day we’ll get outta this shitty apartment  shitty pithole
One day is all it takes for things to turn around now
All I know is I got you and you got me, babe

How lucky, how lucky we are
Oh how lucky, how lucky, how lucky we are
Oh how lucky, how lucky, how lucky we are

Oh how lucky, how lucky, how lucky we are 

so my boyfriend said i was spoilt, useless and fucked up.
have a useless dad, unreasonable mum and that equalling to a fucked up family therefore raising a fucked up daughter.

i’ve never heard anyone say any of that to me before. ever.
i always thought i was better than any of that.
yes maybe it’s hard for me to admit to my mistakes and say sorry. It’ll take me time to fully throw my pride away to say sorry, i think all of my friends will know. I will get over it, i am quick tempered, this sort of thing will pass. why make it so hard.

maybe i was wrong. i am no greater than any other person growing up this family.
useless, penniless and foolish.
shame shame.

guess this is what a relationship is. always the same story. you get angry you throw angry words, you say sorry. but sorry doesnt help anymore does it. the damage is already there and angry words came from somewhere. these thoughts wouldn’t come up from nowhere.

i’ll say you almost lost me just now, and now you lost a part of me.

time to wake up karen, smell the flowers and hear the birds sing. thats what you are suppose to be.

love is hard, loving someone else is harder.

home alone on chinese new year day #2.
i suppose that sounds emo, lol. but i’m not, i’m just really bored with pretty much nothing to do but to watch tv and rot away with time.
i wish i had more family around.

was talking to amanda yesterday and she is just so amazed how the person i turn out to be, even when i’m in this crazy mad family that throws their temper around whenever they want. annoying.
i would be some emo kids that slits herself on the wrist, and always find comfort outside of this house. the seeking attention kind since i don’t deserve this sort of attention. 

and huiyan & i talking about showing appreciation to attention seeking parents. to show them you care about what they say when you actually don’t especially when they are scolding you. i’m going to follow her suggestion. if it works, we’ll write a book out of it and make the best selling out of it. haha i’m just kidding. i can’t score an A for my essays in school, let alone writing a book -.-

omg this boredom is killing me and i’m already missing him ):
i want to do something fulfilling today, do my work ? o.0
hmm i told myself to work harder this semester. haw haw hawwww.

Every little thing I do, I do for you
With every little thing, I think a thought of you

And I try so hard not to notice
I try so hard not to care
I try so hard not to know that you’re not here
But I’m counting down the hours
And I’m counting up the days

I try so hard not to show this side of me 

im posting on chinese new year’s eve when im suppose to be cleaning.
this is one thing that i super hate about chinese new year, is to clear out our junk and await for new things.
i have no idea where this tradition came out from but this is a torture. my room is in a big mess and i have no sense of urgency to clear it.

let’s see, i really dread chinese new year other than the money i’ll receive which isn’t much either.
i only get to go my grandmother’s place for visiting, since my dad side is in hongkong and who knows where.
i don’t even know them.
the people i most probably see are so predictable.
my 2 other cousins which im not really fond of. and my uncle and aunties.
there’s no one around to see, i am jealous of those that has countless of cousins and auntie uncles.
those that you actually talk to and looking forward to see every year.

speaking of uncle, i had this really cool uncle when i was much younger.
and he had this mother who was very old, but she was still very cheerful and every year i would just receive 4dollars angbao from her.
but suddenly this uncle of mine went into debts, and suddenly he just disappeared into thin air and i never heard another word of him.
he use to carry me on this shoulders and ask me to keep it a secret don’t tell anyone, later they want it also.
i love this exquisite feeling he gave.
i always look forward to new year to seeing him, till he was gone.
and my spirit for chinese new year slowly die off, now it’s most probably dead.
i can’t imagine the day when it will eventually come if my grandmother isn’t around here anymore.
doesn’t that just made my chinese new year worse?
but i try not to think of it, but it is inevitable to. and it’s really sad to think of it that way. death. when someone is eternally gone, and you will never get to see or just be with them. that feeling pretty much stinks.

i think i have to come up with a new hobby for chinese new year, instead of just lazing around.
i’m gonna watch finish gossip girl and some korean drama this new year. boring~

hhaha do you know actually chinese new year is the time of the year when you’ll feel nostalgia because you clear out your junk.. you can’t help but to sit down and just to read and see what you got in there. and hhaha i went to see this blog of mine way before and i found out a really bimbotic conversation i had with hy. hy you should totally check it out, you will laugh at the stupidity we possessed while we were younger. hhaha dated 13 july 07. im sooo keeping this blog. haha!

did i mention i dread chinese new year?